I know. I know you’re trying, Connor. I’m not mad at you. I know you have it in you — you’ve goddamn done it before. I’m just...
[Sumo looks up at Connor. Yawns.]
Mad at myself. Mad at everything but you. Mad at the world — the worlds — for putting you in one shitty situation after the other. And I’m just here like a rubbernecking fucker, unable to do anything so I just gawk, because what the hell else am I supposed to do?
[Hank wants to believe that he matters, somehow. In relation to Connor’s deviancy. Wants to believe he isn’t as useless as he feels. And maybe he helped push Connor in the right direction before — now too, hopefully — but back home, he wasn’t there when Connor deviated. Hank wasn’t dying.
So how useful is he, really?]
I’ll do what I can, Connor. You know that. But I’m not... not some all powerful being, you know?
[He doesn’t want to fail Connor even though he doesn’t know what to do. Doesn’t want to fail him like he failed Cole. Failed everyone he’s ever loved.
But there is no clear path here. Not yet. What to do? What not to do? Only time will tell, and Hank isn’t a patient man. Not when it comes to the safety of this stupid world and its inhabitants — and Solmara’s — who don’t deserve to die.
And not when it comes to Connor, either. Especially. His safety. His happiness.
Hank thinks of saying, too, that he doesn’t think he’s necessary for Connor’s deviancy. But he bites the words back, both because he’s voiced the sentiment before and because it doesn’t matter. What he thinks changes nothing. What matters is that Connor thinks he’s relevant, somehow.]
You told me before. That you’d do the right thing. [Hank looks down at Connor. Squinting.] That’s still true, yeah?
I have confidence I will do the right thing. [Connor replies with a furrowed brow. His mismatched fingers create a path as he pets Sumo. He looks up at Hank with no such certainty or confidence in his gaze.
What if he follows his programming to its end? What if he can't escape it in time? What if he hurts Hank in the process?
Connor isn't sure if there is any way he could ever forgive himself, even if forgiveness is a very human, a very deviant need.]
[It feels weird looking down at him like this. Hank doesn’t like it — not when they’re talking about this.]
It’s… [Going to be okay, he wants to say.
But they have no way of knowing if that’ll be the case. And Hank has no idea how to get across everything he’s thinking. Everything he’s feeling. Which is the fact that he is expendable. As long as everyone else is okay, Hank is expendable.
Connor said he probably couldn’t deviate back on Solmara without him. And part of Hank wants to selfishly cling to that, but another part knows that Connor is stronger than that. He’ll find his way. Just like he would back at home once Hank was gone.]
You’re more capable than you think, y’know. Don’t let anyone let you think otherwise.
[Connor turns his gaze back to Sumo, focusing on how soothing the petting motion is. It allows him to try and find the proper words. He has a database full of a hundred thousand words and yet none of them seem to help.]
I know that, Connor. And I don’t want… that. Don’t want you to have to do that. But you’re stronger than me. Even if I’m not here — especially if I’m not here. Or there, or whatever. You’re gonna do so much good, Connor. You’re gonna be great. You’re gonna help everyone on Etraya and Solmara. Because that’s the right thing to do, and because you can.
Connor. [Hank doesn’t know how to remain stoic for this, so he doesn’t even try. Hands clasped in his lap.] There are kids here. Kids barely older than Cole.
And I’m sure Solmara has kids too, but that just means we have to save both.
Yeah, yeah. Can’t tell me this, can’t tell me that. Wasn’t a question anyway, Connor.
[There’s another long, long stretch of Etraya devoid of remarkable landmarks. And it’s not remarkable, per se, but the trolley stops outside the diner and Hank stiffens. Looking down at Sumo till they pass.]
[Connor has the distinct feeling that Hank is growing more irritated with him. Perhaps they do need to spend some time apart, if just to keep Hank from strangling Connor. When the trolley stops at the diner, the instinct to get out rises. However, just as quickly as they've stopped, they've begun moving again.]
Not angry with you, Connor. How would you feel if our roles were reversed and I couldn't tell you anything? If I were set on this mission to get a bunch of people killed? If you felt powerless to help me? How would that make you feel, Connor? Because I imagine you’d feel pretty goddamn shitty.
Yeah? [Sometimes Hank forgets there’s so much that this Connor didn’t get to experience. He hopes he’s made up for it in part, despite knowing he never really could.]
Do you...? I mean, I don’t have my gun. [Which would have been real nice during that whole spider debacle.]
No, but I’m sure I could find one. [Accelerator might know. Which is extremely fucked up, but... desperate times, desperate measures. Aurora? Would Aurora give him a gun?]
I could find you a gun, Connor.
[And all the implications that sentence holds: asking Connor to wield it. To shoot, if necessary.]
[The programming is all clicking together. If he can have Hank on this task, thinking it will help, then Connor would have room to do what he needs to bring down Etraya.
As long as Hank doesn't somehow acquire a weapon before Connor can get to that point.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I know. I know you’re trying, Connor. I’m not mad at you. I know you have it in you — you’ve goddamn done it before. I’m just...
[Sumo looks up at Connor. Yawns.]
Mad at myself. Mad at everything but you. Mad at the world — the worlds — for putting you in one shitty situation after the other. And I’m just here like a rubbernecking fucker, unable to do anything so I just gawk, because what the hell else am I supposed to do?
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I believe you'll be instrumental in my deviancy.
[As if that's any comfort. As if that changes anything Hank said.]
cn: mention of Cole 🥺
[Hank wants to believe that he matters, somehow. In relation to Connor’s deviancy. Wants to believe he isn’t as useless as he feels. And maybe he helped push Connor in the right direction before — now too, hopefully — but back home, he wasn’t there when Connor deviated. Hank wasn’t dying.
So how useful is he, really?]
I’ll do what I can, Connor. You know that. But I’m not... not some all powerful being, you know?
[He doesn’t want to fail Connor even though he doesn’t know what to do. Doesn’t want to fail him like he failed Cole. Failed everyone he’s ever loved.
But there is no clear path here. Not yet. What to do? What not to do? Only time will tell, and Hank isn’t a patient man. Not when it comes to the safety of this stupid world and its inhabitants — and Solmara’s — who don’t deserve to die.
And not when it comes to Connor, either. Especially. His safety. His happiness.
Hank thinks of saying, too, that he doesn’t think he’s necessary for Connor’s deviancy. But he bites the words back, both because he’s voiced the sentiment before and because it doesn’t matter. What he thinks changes nothing. What matters is that Connor thinks he’s relevant, somehow.]
You told me before. That you’d do the right thing. [Hank looks down at Connor. Squinting.] That’s still true, yeah?
:<
What if he follows his programming to its end? What if he can't escape it in time? What if he hurts Hank in the process?
Connor isn't sure if there is any way he could ever forgive himself, even if forgiveness is a very human, a very deviant need.]
I’m sorry I didn’t see the email for this :c
Connor.
[It feels weird looking down at him like this. Hank doesn’t like it — not when they’re talking about this.]
It’s… [Going to be okay, he wants to say.
But they have no way of knowing if that’ll be the case. And Hank has no idea how to get across everything he’s thinking. Everything he’s feeling. Which is the fact that he is expendable. As long as everyone else is okay, Hank is expendable.
Connor said he probably couldn’t deviate back on Solmara without him. And part of Hank wants to selfishly cling to that, but another part knows that Connor is stronger than that. He’ll find his way. Just like he would back at home once Hank was gone.]
You’re more capable than you think, y’know. Don’t let anyone let you think otherwise.
all good!
Hank, I don't want to do this without you.
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[Jesus, tugging right on those heartstrings.]
I know that, Connor. And I don’t want… that. Don’t want you to have to do that. But you’re stronger than me. Even if I’m not here — especially if I’m not here. Or there, or whatever. You’re gonna do so much good, Connor. You’re gonna be great. You’re gonna help everyone on Etraya and Solmara. Because that’s the right thing to do, and because you can.
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[Connor shakes his head. There are so many conflicts in his programming, but he hasn’t hit tbe threshold of deviancy.
But he knows it must be soon.]
Come back with me to Solmara.
OOF my heart 😭 OOF
We can help both, Connor.
[Which is Hank’s way of saying that he’s not leaving Etraya.]
Can you... trigger going back? Or is there a meet-up place? Time?
[How is Connor going to get everyone from Etraya to Solmara...?
If. If.]
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I’m not permitted to tell you that.
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That’s all right. I get it. [But he still sighs.] I trust you to know what to do. Not that you’re leaving, I just...
[Another deep sigh, this time loud enough to make Sumo raise his head. Disturbed by his noisy human, perhaps, or seeking more pets.]
Don’t wanna fuck this up and not have contingency plans in place, you know?
[A pause, then:] They’d be safe, right? If you took everyone to Solmara. I mean, you’d have Aurora’s whatever thing.
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[As sad of a place as Solmara is, the programming steps in again.]
It’s possible.
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It’s possible what? Possible they’d be safe? Possible your Aurora-whoever equivalent would hurt them?
[Hank scowls: not because of Connor, just the situation.]
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[The same old song being sung once more. Connor gets up from his place near the floor to return to the window.]
cn: mention of Cole ;;
Connor. [Hank doesn’t know how to remain stoic for this, so he doesn’t even try. Hands clasped in his lap.] There are kids here. Kids barely older than Cole.
And I’m sure Solmara has kids too, but that just means we have to save both.
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I can’t tell you, Hank.
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Yeah, yeah. Can’t tell me this, can’t tell me that. Wasn’t a question anyway, Connor.
[There’s another long, long stretch of Etraya devoid of remarkable landmarks. And it’s not remarkable, per se, but the trolley stops outside the diner and Hank stiffens. Looking down at Sumo till they pass.]
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You're angry with me.
the strangling noooo 😭 Hank use your words pls
Not angry with you, Connor. How would you feel if our roles were reversed and I couldn't tell you anything? If I were set on this mission to get a bunch of people killed? If you felt powerless to help me? How would that make you feel, Connor? Because I imagine you’d feel pretty goddamn shitty.
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Kamski's test. That's the closest I've come to deviating. [But they don't have any--
Max has a gun. Max came with a gun. But who would be so close that Connor would find issue with shooting? Robert? Hank?]
cn: spider mention
Yeah? [Sometimes Hank forgets there’s so much that this Connor didn’t get to experience. He hopes he’s made up for it in part, despite knowing he never really could.]
Do you...? I mean, I don’t have my gun. [Which would have been real nice during that whole spider debacle.]
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Do you know of anyone with a gun?
[He's not technically lying, not yet.]
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No, but I’m sure I could find one. [Accelerator might know. Which is extremely fucked up, but... desperate times, desperate measures. Aurora? Would Aurora give him a gun?]
I could find you a gun, Connor.
[And all the implications that sentence holds: asking Connor to wield it. To shoot, if necessary.]
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As long as Hank doesn't somehow acquire a weapon before Connor can get to that point.]
You could?
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Somebody’s gotta have one. [Hank shrugs.] Or know where to get one. There’s a whole ass shooting range, so — sure it’s not difficult.
[Of course the trolley’s already passed the shooting range...!]
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cn: suicide ideation + mention of Cole
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